I've met a few folk off the internet in my time, and will be meeting more soon and, they've been without exception sterling folk who are exactly what they said they were, i.e. no mad axe murderers (yet). However, I always get really nervous about meeting them, more nervous than meeting random people on a night out, or that friends introduce. I don't know why, but for some reason a whole series of worries flash through my head when I'm meeting off the internet that I barley worry about any other time. And it's not about them being mad axe murderers who are going to murder me/rape me/abduct me/all of the above. This is what goes through my head:
- I'm not going to have anything to say.
- Anything I do say will be boring as hell.
- They will think I'm ugly/fat/boring/all of the above.
- They will laugh at me, not at my jokes.
- I will do/say something incredibly stupid/embarrassing.
- They will think I'm lewd/alcoholic/a bitch/all of the above.
- If I fancy them, I won't be able to resist the urge to straddle their laps and thrust my breasts in their face. (Well this is a recent one, a dry few months does not a restrained nympho make.)
- I will commit some terrible social faux par.
- I will swear too much.
- I will make a hugely embarrassing Freudian slip.
- I will wear the wrong thing.
- I will think the whole thing went well, while they're quietly blocking me on twitter/hotmail/whatever.
- I will pop out unknowingly, and then notice after they haven't told me for ten minutes.
- I will have an asthma attack (Another recent addition, but really embarrassing when it happens)
I'm waiting for everything to happen on Saturday, when fingers crossed, I should be seeing the lovely Tom Reynolds, time and place I've left up to him as the sum of my knowledge of London could be written on the back of a stamp in big handwriting (thanks again for doing the whole planning bit Tom). Depending on the timings Tom decides I might be meeting up with one or two of my kinky-bi-guys too. Wow maybe I'll have a day full of flirting with paramedic-types! Whooo! Oh and the whole going to shul, the thing I'm acctually in London to do. Ahem.
To finish, some humdrum news, I've finally got a placement, it's with a medical practice in one of the nearby cities, it's on my side of it but I'm going to have to get two buses to get there, I need to check exact times but I think it should be about an hours commute. I'm getting on well with my driving old driving instructor, we're going to start manoeuvres tomorrow and he wants to put me in for my test now.
Thursday, 9 July 2009
Sunday, 5 July 2009
Not the nine o'clock news
Right now I am very, very fed up of oooooh just about everything. Nothing is happening in any aspect of my life, except I'm getting iller, my rare hayfever has made an appearance, my asthma is the worst it's ever been. I'm spending most days wheezing like I smoke several packs a day, and generally breathing through my inhaler at all times. My eczema, which gets worse in the warm weather as it's a rarer version of it, it's, well, getting much worse, unsurprisingly. So my hands are itchy, swollen, infected and look like I have a disgusting disease. Which I suppose I do but it's not that icky it just looks it.
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
Anger Management
Today hasn't been a great day, two things made me very, very I-want-to-punch-someone angry.
One, it's my driving lesson we're on the way to pick another pupil, driving slowly downhill on a small terraced road with cars parked on either side, we're going about 10 mph, my instructor in on the phone (no he shouldn't be on it). I feel like the car isn't under my full control, as there is no one behind, in front or driving towards me, I slow to a stop, take 3 seconds to calm down, and change into first gear then set off slowly again, feeling much better. We round the corner, drive up the hill a little and stop in front on the next pupils house, my instuctor, now finished on the phone, asks me why I stopped;
Instructor: So why did you stop there? I didn't ask you to.
Pinkness: I felt like the car was running away from me-
Instructor: *interrupting* At that speed?!
Pinkness: Yes, I felt like I wasn't in full control so I stopped to make sure I was, and changed into a lower gear.
Instructor: How can you feel like it was running away from you at that speed?
Pinkness: I'm sorry but I did.
*This continues for a minute or so back and forth*
Instructor: And that driving before, I knew that was going to happen, you were just driving stupid.
...Before, a woman had pulled out in front of me despite the fact I had right of way, me being a learner I expect people to generally obey the rules of the road. I was travelling slowly (about 20-25mph in a 30 zone), however, the massive sign with 'L' plates on the top of the car, mean people kind of expect that. When she pulled out I still had to break sharply, well me and the instructor did. I don't see what was so "stupid" at travelling at a reasonable speed through a residential area at 8.30ish when it's full of kids on their way to school.
The second, was at workfirst, the place I have to go to my crappy NVQ equivalent thing and do my job searching. My advisor comes over to see how my job search is going, I show her my sheet with the jobs I've applied for (They asked for 3, I'd applied for 5, I was quite pleased with myself):
Advisor: Well... This is just the same sort of jobs you've been applying for before...
Pinkness: Well duh, it's the work I want to go into Yes...
Advisor: Well you haven't been getting very far with thee jobs have you, what feedback have you got?
Pinkness: Well the police are useless at getting back to you and what with the checks they do and everything it takes time. NHS are the same, the interviews I've had they say I interviewed well but there's always someone with more experience.
Advisor: Well, maybe you should be applying for admin jobs with other companies, yeah? I mean I don't want you setting yourself up to fail.
Pinkness: Yes, because applying for entry level admin jobs with private, as opposed to public sector companies, will make all the difference it's the same blinkin' job Ummm... Yeah, I guess.
Advisor: Is this just a gap year for you?
It was the final question that did it, her tone implied I was just taking a year off lazing about and getting some money for free while I did. The bitch. If she had seen the stress I was putting myself under, the tears as I feel like a complete failure for not having a job, she might think different. Yes look at me "setting myself up to fail" I'm applying for entry level jobs that are asking for GCSE's or A-Levels, I have a fucking Master's Degree... Yeah, I'm so punching above my weight.
Sometimes, I hate people.
One, it's my driving lesson we're on the way to pick another pupil, driving slowly downhill on a small terraced road with cars parked on either side, we're going about 10 mph, my instructor in on the phone (no he shouldn't be on it). I feel like the car isn't under my full control, as there is no one behind, in front or driving towards me, I slow to a stop, take 3 seconds to calm down, and change into first gear then set off slowly again, feeling much better. We round the corner, drive up the hill a little and stop in front on the next pupils house, my instuctor, now finished on the phone, asks me why I stopped;
Instructor: So why did you stop there? I didn't ask you to.
Pinkness: I felt like the car was running away from me-
Instructor: *interrupting* At that speed?!
Pinkness: Yes, I felt like I wasn't in full control so I stopped to make sure I was, and changed into a lower gear.
Instructor: How can you feel like it was running away from you at that speed?
Pinkness: I'm sorry but I did.
*This continues for a minute or so back and forth*
Instructor: And that driving before, I knew that was going to happen, you were just driving stupid.
...Before, a woman had pulled out in front of me despite the fact I had right of way, me being a learner I expect people to generally obey the rules of the road. I was travelling slowly (about 20-25mph in a 30 zone), however, the massive sign with 'L' plates on the top of the car, mean people kind of expect that. When she pulled out I still had to break sharply, well me and the instructor did. I don't see what was so "stupid" at travelling at a reasonable speed through a residential area at 8.30ish when it's full of kids on their way to school.
The second, was at workfirst, the place I have to go to my crappy NVQ equivalent thing and do my job searching. My advisor comes over to see how my job search is going, I show her my sheet with the jobs I've applied for (They asked for 3, I'd applied for 5, I was quite pleased with myself):
Advisor: Well... This is just the same sort of jobs you've been applying for before...
Pinkness:
Advisor: Well you haven't been getting very far with thee jobs have you, what feedback have you got?
Pinkness: Well the police are useless at getting back to you and what with the checks they do and everything it takes time. NHS are the same, the interviews I've had they say I interviewed well but there's always someone with more experience.
Advisor: Well, maybe you should be applying for admin jobs with other companies, yeah? I mean I don't want you setting yourself up to fail.
Pinkness:
Advisor: Is this just a gap year for you?
It was the final question that did it, her tone implied I was just taking a year off lazing about and getting some money for free while I did. The bitch. If she had seen the stress I was putting myself under, the tears as I feel like a complete failure for not having a job, she might think different. Yes look at me "setting myself up to fail" I'm applying for entry level jobs that are asking for GCSE's or A-Levels, I have a fucking Master's Degree... Yeah, I'm so punching above my weight.
Sometimes, I hate people.
Monday, 22 June 2009
A bitter pill
This morning I got wondering, when did I get bitter? I used to joke about being bitter & twisted, jaded & cynical, but now, I really am. Instead of being happy for people, I just think "You bastards, after all the shit I've been through, why can't I have a little happiness?" But it's not jealousy exactly, yes I'd like to be as happy as them, however, I'm more pissed off that their happiness has put me on a downer. That is what I resent, not that they're having the time of their lives, but that they made me feel like shit, because they're having the time of their lives. Does that make sense? I've had to stop talking to people so I don't snap at them, or at least limit my contact with them. I don't want to say something when I'm all bitter and moody that will hurt them. It's not their fault, they don't deserve to suffer my anger.
It's a vicious cycle feeling bitter makes you feel bad about yourself it makes you feel like some petty little worm who doesn't deserve happiness anyway. Thus you become more resentful to the happy people in your lives. Yes, I hate you, you happy, happy, bastards. But I want to be happy for you too, and in a small way I am, you deserve a break I like making people happy, I like those around me to be happy. So why can't I hack this? And when did it start?
I know I've noticed it recently but maybe I've always been like this maybe that's why I've slept with taken men, just to spoil their perfect little relationships. And that, that makes me feel like absolute shit, thinking this evil bitch is inside me wreaking everything good around her. I don't want to be like that.
So life, G-d, whoever, please throw a little happiness my way so I'll be less resentful and bitter to those who already have some. It'll make the world a much better place.
It's a vicious cycle feeling bitter makes you feel bad about yourself it makes you feel like some petty little worm who doesn't deserve happiness anyway. Thus you become more resentful to the happy people in your lives. Yes, I hate you, you happy, happy, bastards. But I want to be happy for you too, and in a small way I am, you deserve a break I like making people happy, I like those around me to be happy. So why can't I hack this? And when did it start?
I know I've noticed it recently but maybe I've always been like this maybe that's why I've slept with taken men, just to spoil their perfect little relationships. And that, that makes me feel like absolute shit, thinking this evil bitch is inside me wreaking everything good around her. I don't want to be like that.
So life, G-d, whoever, please throw a little happiness my way so I'll be less resentful and bitter to those who already have some. It'll make the world a much better place.
Sunday, 21 June 2009
Anon
The ever wonderful Abby Lee, author of Girl With a On-Track Mind, today pointed people in the direction of this article by Anna Mikhailova (the journalist who outed Abby). And a few thoughts occurred to me whist reading this;
- As a blogger I'm probably considered part of the "new media", however, I still watch TV, I still read the news papers (Well except the Times), I love nothing more that sitting in a coffee shop with a chai latte, flicking though the days broad sheets. Why does there have to be this division of old and new media? This battle Mikhailova and others keep talking about between old and new... I don't see it.
- More importantly Mikhailova talks about character assassination, about the horror of having people wanting to find her address, talking about her with hatred, how it damaged her career. And how this is now happening to Judge Eady and Patrick Foster, the journalist who outed NightJack. So let me get this straight, you are complaining about people disliking you, wanting to door step you, wanting to know the details of your private life, and your job prospects being lowered. You know what? This is sounding kind of familiar, oh wait this is exactly what you, and Foster, put Abby and Nightjck through. The taste of your own medicine a bit bitter?
- The following paragraph really got my goat:
"Most of these attacks are carried out by people who think Chicken Yoghurt is an appropriate pseudonym and who believe that writing something unpunctuated and in capitals makes it MORE TRUE. Now, nutters aside, undoubtedly new media are an important forum for opinion and self-expression, but as blogs grow in credibility and importance, the problems posed by their unregulated outlaw status increase. "
Now last time I checked Abby, for instance, is very proper in her use of grammar, I do my best, I'm dyslexic, Inspector Gadget, NightJack, their grammar is/was impeccable, as far as I could see. Yes there are some plebs out there who comment in txt speak, and seem to think an apostrophe is a figment of some madman's imagination. And yes they don't get published in the papers, however, please don't make us all sound like uneducated "nutters".
Following on from this I couldn't agree more with one of the comments "Funny how throughout history writers have often used pseudonyms to conceal their identity from the authorities, the establishment, when their views contradict those of their 'lords and masters'. So it is today with bloggers. the MSM is in thrall to the establishment or so it seems.
Dr Nick Ashley, Huntingdon, England"
Our anonymity allows to say things we couldn't in public, the police bloggers are a case in point.
I realise I'm not saying anything new here, Abby beat me to writing a response to Anna Mikhailova's article and also wrote a much better one than mine. And I couldn't agree more with her, especially when she says "If you can't hack it, don't write it."
- As a blogger I'm probably considered part of the "new media", however, I still watch TV, I still read the news papers (Well except the Times), I love nothing more that sitting in a coffee shop with a chai latte, flicking though the days broad sheets. Why does there have to be this division of old and new media? This battle Mikhailova and others keep talking about between old and new... I don't see it.
- More importantly Mikhailova talks about character assassination, about the horror of having people wanting to find her address, talking about her with hatred, how it damaged her career. And how this is now happening to Judge Eady and Patrick Foster, the journalist who outed NightJack. So let me get this straight, you are complaining about people disliking you, wanting to door step you, wanting to know the details of your private life, and your job prospects being lowered. You know what? This is sounding kind of familiar, oh wait this is exactly what you, and Foster, put Abby and Nightjck through. The taste of your own medicine a bit bitter?
- The following paragraph really got my goat:
"Most of these attacks are carried out by people who think Chicken Yoghurt is an appropriate pseudonym and who believe that writing something unpunctuated and in capitals makes it MORE TRUE. Now, nutters aside, undoubtedly new media are an important forum for opinion and self-expression, but as blogs grow in credibility and importance, the problems posed by their unregulated outlaw status increase. "
Now last time I checked Abby, for instance, is very proper in her use of grammar, I do my best, I'm dyslexic, Inspector Gadget, NightJack, their grammar is/was impeccable, as far as I could see. Yes there are some plebs out there who comment in txt speak, and seem to think an apostrophe is a figment of some madman's imagination. And yes they don't get published in the papers, however, please don't make us all sound like uneducated "nutters".
Following on from this I couldn't agree more with one of the comments "Funny how throughout history writers have often used pseudonyms to conceal their identity from the authorities, the establishment, when their views contradict those of their 'lords and masters'. So it is today with bloggers. the MSM is in thrall to the establishment or so it seems.
Dr Nick Ashley, Huntingdon, England"
Our anonymity allows to say things we couldn't in public, the police bloggers are a case in point.
I realise I'm not saying anything new here, Abby beat me to writing a response to Anna Mikhailova's article and also wrote a much better one than mine. And I couldn't agree more with her, especially when she says "If you can't hack it, don't write it."
Saturday, 20 June 2009
Rush
Well this week aside from getting increasing pissed off about the below issues, I have mainly been; sleeping, attempting to sleep, driving, walking the dog, being ill, working at the job centre, filling in application forms or rushing from one of the aforementioned activities to another. I'm currently being ignored by four (well five if you count my ex) people, mostly unintentionally one hopes. I'm swinging between really not being arsed with bothering with them and worrying about what I've done/if they're ok.
On Friday I'm off to Londontown, I've some assessments with the FCO, after which I'm meeting up with a Bit of Posh, then one of my kinky-bi-guys. If anyone wants to say hi then send me an email and I'll see what we can do, although I can very easily keep myself amused (it's London for goodness sake) it'd be nice to spend some time with actual living, breathing people, something I seem to do precious little of lately.
On Friday I'm off to Londontown, I've some assessments with the FCO, after which I'm meeting up with a Bit of Posh, then one of my kinky-bi-guys. If anyone wants to say hi then send me an email and I'll see what we can do, although I can very easily keep myself amused (it's London for goodness sake) it'd be nice to spend some time with actual living, breathing people, something I seem to do precious little of lately.
Bye bye...
So after the Time's debacle, Met County Monty has shut down his blog Sheepdogs and Wovles, I don't blame him and I was just waiting for this to happen. It perfectly illustrates why revealing the identity of Nightjack wasn't in the public interest now we know even less about the truth of what the police do and go through than we did before. Well done the Times, for putting another nail in the coffin of liberty, openness and privacy.
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